'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
