After last night, I could never be a politician.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
