Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
