Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
