"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
