I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
