someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
