I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
