New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just had sex bonerless
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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