U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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