I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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