My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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