id be glad to
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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