If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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