Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
