God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
