I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
