I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
