my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
