just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My vagina is very pro this idea
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
