I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
