DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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