Will you blow on my dice?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
