Need sex. Gaining weight.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
