I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
