I faked an abortion last night.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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