He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
