There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
