I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
