But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
