I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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