nutella sex= disaster
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
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