Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
