I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This baby is an asshole
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
