I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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