Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
