i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
