I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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