My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You are a genius and a whore.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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