every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
