i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
