My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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