i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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