1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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