I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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