She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
