and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
