Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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