We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
