I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
